I knew it, you knew it

I knew it from the first time I saw you, it was my inner voice telling me I was in trouble. I was clumsily finding my way into the room, I took my assigned seat, I looked left and there you were.
It was familiarity, like welcome home, darling, here's your wine. Damn it, son, I did not come here for this, I said to myself. I smiled politely, introduced myself, mumbled something and luckily the session started.

Save yourself, princess

Growing up is never a well thought process. I have come a long way since my sweet 18, either by choice or because I had no other choice. As I am shamelessly describing myself as a strong, independent woman, that can solve problems, take care of myself, have a fruitful career, have few good friends and lots of acquaintances, eat healthy, run, socialize, have good humor and smile at the end of each day (you see, humble is not there), I acknowledge there are still a lot of unsolved dark moments put under the carpet and whispered amen to. 

2018 reset

I am looking ahead to 2018 with enthusiasm but also fear as unknown brings both fortunately. I truly feel grateful for everything I have achieved so far and look forward to this new chapter in my life despite the fact that it scares me. 

So 2018 is about beginnings on all fronts. Beginning of a new life in a new country, new job, new people, new adventures. With no one by my side for the moment. 

I want to start drafting my resolutions with courage yet in a humble way. Hence here I go:

- definitely I want to embrace the Italian culture: exploring the super tasty food, getting used to the true espresso, learning Italian, dressing like an Italian and embracing their passion for chit chats, ventilation and local pride. Sure, I would also love to immerse in dolce far niente at some point...

- to zoom in a little bit, I really want to enjoy life here, sipping lazily on a cappuccino (in the morning it's socially acceptable) on a Saturday morning, lost in the reading or just observing people, traveling to cosy places in the weekends, exploring tiny family business restaurants, buying flowers for myself, smiling to random people on the street, rewarding myself with a nice pair of shoes on sales and feeling tipsy on a random Sunday evening. Just because I can:)

- I want to start sleeping cloth-less if you know what I mean. Studies have shown that this is the best thing for your body (and for couples, so who knows). While I am not proud to report that I sleep dressed like a grandma as I am always cold and my feet are like ice. So in reality this is a big task that I am going to approach little by little, while investing in super warm duvet. 

- I want to learn to fail small and be ok with it. As mentioned before, one of the greatest pains I have is my own perfectionism (a nice name for OCD). I have started accepting my vulnerabilities and be ok with the fact that I am not Wonder woman everyday every hour but it takes so much more to fully get there. 

- easily connected with the above point, I want to simplify my life. Get rid of the noise. Get rid of the barriers I make up all my myself. I have unpacked all the 15 boxes of my past, arranged everything neatly and I am committed to keep it simple. Less clutter, more joy.

- I want to get back the sparkle in my eyes. Somehow I lost it to routine, OCDs and compromises. I want to live and love fully because I owe it to myself. 

- I aim to be a kind person. I have always been yet with a high note of judgmental. I want to lose some of the perceptions of how should one behave just because I behave in a certain way. People are different and I can't change that, hence I will continue to work on adjusting myself or letting go. 

- I want to dose my ego and cut the bullshit. Past suffering has been amplified mostly due to my ego and I think it's time to change that. This means telling people how I feel rather than always protecting myself. I like you (and you might not), you made me feel worthless (and you should know this is not ok), I will fill in for you (but not every time), no, I can't do that (sometimes it's me first) - I want to embrace all of these in a healthy way. 

And so it ends, no bullshit, no prince charming, no overpromises. Just a warm duvet to start with...:)

This world is watching me...

15 boxes of 2017

As I watch peacefully how 2017 is approaching its end, I feel there should be a proper note to reflect on this year achievements and failures and draw few conclusions.

To begin with, I'd say it was probably one of the most difficult years. As said before, it started off beautifully then went through an emotional roller coaster and finished with huge changes. I have a broken heart and so many fears but also hopes and I see a slight light at the end of the tunnel. And that is enough for me to carry on.

Different kind of December

Vorbeam zilele trecute cu o prietena de cat de repede trece timpul. Iar e decembrie, luna reflectiilor, a masuratorilor si a proiectiilor. Luna aia nesuferita cand iti da cu virgula cand te uiti inapoi. In cazul meu, de data asta, e altfel...

Inceputul lunii decembrie m-a gasit intr-un nou inceput. Am facut pasul cel mare de a ma muta din tara. Il asteptam ca si cand, de ani buni. Asteptarea de altfel a fost pasiva caci nu m-am zbatut sa o transpun in realitate, pana de curand. Asadar, latent, speram ca Mos Craciun o sa vina cu o super oferta de job, o experienta internationala fantastica, de nerefuzat si eu o sa fiu foarte pregatita, partenerul o sa fie si el pregatit, familia o sa sara in sus de bucurie si toti prietenii mei o sa deschida sampania. Semn ca nu eram pregatita :)

Dar sa merg un pas inapoi... 2017 a fost intens. Din multe puncte de vedere. A inceput minunat, cu o vacanta in Thailanda, la plaja, cand in Bucuresti temperaturile era mult sub 0 grade, iar nametii incurcau traficul si buna dispozitie a tuturor. Au urmat apoi luni intense de munca, ore lungi la birou, proiecte si multe calatorii in interes de serviciu. Ziua mea de nastere m-a gasit in Casablanca, ascultand muzica buna in cafeaneaua lui Rick (da, acea cafenea din celebrului film) si sorbind un vin bun, alaturi de el. Dupa care totul s-a miscat intr-un ritm ametitor si nu neaparat bun...

Eu strig, tu auzi?

Iata-ne impreuna dupa atata timp, atatea luni de cand m-am holbat la laptop incercand sa scriu ceva pentru sufletul meu. Nu, nu a fost pentru ca nu am avut nimic demn de povestit sau ca n-am trait dileme pe care sa le impartasesc aici in coltul meu restrans. Ci pentru ca penita digitala s-a blocat incet incet, poate din lipsa de curaj, poate din lipsa de asumare. 

Incerc aici un re-inceput timid, ca sa ma conving pe mine ca sufletul meu nu e gol, ca mainile mele pot sa transpuna povesti, asa cum o faceau odata. 

Am fost aseara la o piesa de teatru, un monolog livrat impecabil de catre Ilona Brezoianu, in regia Lia Bugnar. Piesa se numeste Fata din curcubeu si e o capodobera care merita vazuta si simtita. 

Rain on my parade

Imi place ploaia. Mai ales cand sunt singura si la adapost; ma face sa ma simt linistita si imi da o clipa de ragaz. Ragaz pe care de obicei nu-l gasesc zi de zi, printre exceluri la birou, printre convorbiri hands free furate dis de dimineata in masina sau printre momente de "aaah, finally acasa" seara tarziu cand rasucesc cheia in usa, gandindu-ma ca nu mai apuc sa pun o masina de spalat pentru ca e iarasi tarziu si deh se aude in bloc. 

Acum ca ploua turmentat si sunt singura cu gandurile mele, astern pe hartia virtuala ipoteze de lucru. Varsta te schimba in mod clar. 

Despre 3.0

Da, mult asteptata reflectie asupra varstei "infame" de 30 de ani a venit. Stiu, se adauga sirului foarte lung al povestilor si pildelor de pe internet, de la diverse persoane, probabil mult mai acreditate decat mine in domeniul asta. Asa ca inainte sa incep, adaug nota de subsol ca e o reflectie pur personala, fara promisiuni de adevar absolut sau descoperiri uluitoare. 

In curand, adaug inca un an in cartea vietii mele. Si de data asta schimb prefixul, ceea ce impune sa marchez solemnitatea momentului. Cu gandul ca am invatat ceva in cei aproape 30 de ani, vreau sa redau aici momentele mele de a-ha sau din contra alte intrebari ce se adauga in noul interval de ani. 

2016, make it count

Am intrat incet incet in noul an, intr-un ritm foarte lenes; inca folosesc "la anul, o sa ..." si ma bucur sincer ca nu mai trebuie sa scriu data undeva [remember school, cand scriai data sus in dreapta si in primele 2 luni ale anului nou scriai anul precedent?]. Pana imi recapat productivitatea si entuziasmul la serviciu, am stat si am pregatit o listuta cu rezolutiile pentru 2016, ca simt ca e propice sa-mi dezgrop abilitatile de control freak pe care le posed:

New year, different pulses

Perioada aia nesuferita din an a venit. Cand e frig si iti ticaie un ceas cu cuc in cap. Ce am facut in anul care a trecut, sunt mai aproape de visurile mele, am fost o persoana mai buna, zambesc cu incredere spre noul an?
Cred ca intrebarea care imi sta pe creier pe repeat e daca a fost un an bun pentru mine. De obicei, raspunsul era un da timid, un nu hotarat sau un zambet mare mare. Ei bine, acum e fifty shades of grey, a fost mult asteptat, mi-am luat bilete in primul rand, a venit cu promisiuni fierbinti, dar a fost sub asteptari, cu cateva scene bune de ... Ras.